decorating my apartment
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.