Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
me after eating Cheetos
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet