Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
🙅🏻
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
me logging onto twitter
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.