*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.