6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks