And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Me checking my bank balance online.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.