[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all