Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Go girl power!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.