Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
You Might Also Like
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.