If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
boat question
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Lucky old June.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”