Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late