Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.