“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
You Might Also Like
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?