The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
You Might Also Like
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Come back with a warrant
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Still laughing at this stupid meme