Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!