One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.