ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I’m good, thanks.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear