It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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Somebody’s lying.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
it was a valiant fight
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
How times have changed.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.