My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Good news
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
No laws when master is gone
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target