They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You Might Also Like
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold