There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Don’t make me out nice you.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Every time.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.