You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?