[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.