I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.