I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Reporter: *ports again*
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Every work meeting this week
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
23. the denim jacket
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.