Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.