I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic