Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You Might Also Like
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
no
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.