“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Cheer up.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?