All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
when revenge coincides with naptime
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…