How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
dream blunt rotation
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.