Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?