Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.