facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath