“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?