[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!