I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.