ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂