Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒