Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
channeling her this year
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When someone trying to leave me
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”