music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
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I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
When you let grandma cat sit
Seductively sings in Klingon.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
“our sushi is very fresh”