Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
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Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I didn’t come here to be called names
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.