I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk