*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: