Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
In case you needed to hear it:
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.