Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I need to get some bricks…
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Not all heroes wear capes….
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table