My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith