normalize having existential bread
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
as is their right
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.