God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
You Might Also Like
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.