“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A man of commitment.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!